Gracious: Why is it so hard

Gracious. Kind. Courteous. Pleasant.

Why is it so darn hard. I mean really. Can’t we all get a long. Can’t we just be kind.

Well, it is hard. So hard that its my 2024 word of the year. I truly, truly struggle with this. But not with everyone. I struggle with be gracious to people who rub me the wrong way or people I feel wronged by or people who irritate me. In most situations, I extend grace. But, I eventually, when someone takes and takes, I get to the end of my rope. I struggle with the ongoing extension of grace. Especially, when its a one way road.

And that is where I’m at. At the end of a very long rope of repeated grace and overstepping of boundaries. Oh, forget overstepping the boundaries. Its more of a complete disregard of boundaries. A complete disregard of anything outside of what suits and benefits them. I feel done. I feel drained. I feel like I can’t go on being gracious. And, honestly, between you and me, I’ve already not been gracious. I’ve already been a little too direct- which for this self-admitted direct/blunt person, is sayin’ something.

As I sent in my dining room in contemplation, I see this sign. I picked it because I like the Bible verse. And, we have bees. So, I had to have it.

The truth is words can build people up and they can tear people down. They can be like honey to the soul. The opposite is also true. They can be like vinegar and add a bit of bitterness. It reminds me of the episode of Scrubs in season one, where the bad day and unkind words/attitude passes from character to character. I know my actions have an impact on others. It can have an impact beyond what I see.

So, what do I do with the relationship that keeps taking and taking. How do I kindly set boundaries? I’m still going to work through that. I’m going to remind myself to be firm but kind. I will do things to help decrease my frustrations. Above all, I remember that thankfully, God knows and understand that I struggle with this. He is willing to extend His Grace to me when I mess-up. So, each time I take that deep breath and then a gracious words come out, I know he’s pleased with my progress. And, when the opposite occurs; I know, that as I repent and continue to work on this, His Grace, will forgive and allow me to try again. I will continue to grow.

Mommie Driving School

Its so HARD to believe my daughter is now 14 and learning to drive. Well, its not really hard to believe. But that’s what everyone says. It seems appropriate. And, I get the sentiment behind this statement. But really, I’m reminded daily that I have a teen in my house. There really is no way for me to NOT remember or realize that I have a teen.

So, this week we started Mommie Driving School. I now have the driving instructor hat hanging next to the chef hat, chauffeur, teacher, etc. Overall, the start-up for the school was hard fought. I had to convince my daughter she did in fact, wanted to take the permit test and obtain her permit. Then, I had to help her study. After her hard work and studying, she took and passed the test. We celebrated and then officially opened Mommie Driving School.

So far, she’s driven daily in parking lots. Today, was her first day driving out of a parking lot. We went to a local college and she drove on the road that connected the different parking lots. It was actually quite a good spot to go in order to check her progress and then also help build some confidence to drive on a “real” road. All while avoiding the busy suburban roads in our little piece of surburbia. Besides a few curb checks when turning right and getting use to going faster than 10 miles an hour, she really did good. She’s making good progress.

We’ve now moved school on to the next level, she has set some goals. Her most immediate goal is to drive on the actual road. Her second goal is to get enough hours of driving that she feels comfortable driving before driver’s ed. So, I guess she must not HATE driving after all. We also have some bonding time ahead of us to look forward to.

All of this, of course, reminded me of when I learned how to drive. I literally got my permit, and my dad put me behind the wheel to drive the 20 minutes home on a highway. It was crazy. I was nervous. Luckily, I’d practice driving in our corn field so it wasn’t completely new and foreign to me. However, I do remember that day as exciting and anxious all at once. I felt unprepared. I also remember the rest of the learning to drive as a very loud experience (my dad was a yeller/scolder). I hated my experience. My goal is that Mommie Driving School for my daughter will be a better experience. A quieter experience.

Have you taught someone how to drive? How did you approach it? Did you do the parking lots first or just jump right into the road?

Being everything to everyone is a lie

This week was the first week of a decreased work week. Honestly, I struggled with making the decision to cut my hours. I had been contemplating this choice for well over a year. But, just couldn’t actually ask to decrease my hours. I’m still a full time employee. I was only cutting my hours by four hours. It doesn’t seem like much.

But, here’s the thing, I’ve worked since I was 14 years old. Full-time since I was 16 (yeah, you read that right). Not only was it routine to work, but it was also engrained in me that working hard and supporting the family, was important. It was a definition of who I was. Not only did I have to have a successful career but also a clean house, be a fantastic wife, and a stellar mom. I had to do everything for everyone.

No one specifically, told me as an adult I was suppose to do this. My husband certainly didn’t tell me to do more. In fact, he’d often say do less. He saw I was stressed out, way before I acknowledged it.

But, I see and hear the woman who are praised in society and among other women. Its the woman who seems to have it all together. The woman who has that perfect smile with perfectly applied make-up. The working mom who has 2.5 perfectly behaved children and a high-powered career making that 6 figure income. She’s successful when she has all the things.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re never told directly this. But its reinforced when talk to each other. We focus on the successes. We call ourselves and others “super moms” who appear to have it all together. Suzie just got another promotion and did you see her kids are on winning championship team. Becky is pretty amazing. She’s only been at the job 3 years and is now on her her third promotion. I know those are slightly exaggerated examples, but you get what I mean.

We not only reinforce this standard by the things we congratulate other women; also on what we criticize others on. Did you see Molly was a hot mess today with her kids barely got in the door before the start of school? Little Billy said they grab fast food three nights a week. We only eat at home cooked meals. Or, we comment on the women who hasn’t had a promotion since starting her job or the mom who never volunteers at the school functions.

All of this adds that pressure to do more and be more. We learn, that do more, be more is how we are validated in our role as a mom. As a women.

Its hard when you’re a type A personality. I want to do all the things. And do all the things well. I want to meet and exceed expectations. So the thought of saying, I need to cut back. Was hard. To say, this is too much, it was hard. I feel (whether its true or not), people may judge me for stepping back. I certainly felt judged stepping back. But, I so needed to.

Does that sound familiar? Do you have the same stress? Are you trying hard to be everything to everyone? I want you know, its ok to not be. You are no less a mom, wife, or woman. In fact, I believe you will be a better, wife, mom, and employee by stepping.

Being everything to everyone is not possible. It is a lie we tell ourselves and others. Its ok to admit you’re not everything to everyone.

My challenge to all women reading this. Forget women, for all men and women reading this. Support the women in your life regardless where they are. Let’s start being honest with each other and saying, we can’t do it all. And that’s ok.

In a Blink of an Eye

Have you had that moment when you realize, your kid has grown up and is now a teenager. You know, you blinked. Then, BOOM! There’s a teen standing in front of you. I mean, I knew the kids would grow-up. And, I’m glad it happened. I love the freedom that I’ve gained from having an almost teenager and a teenager. But this weekend, it hit me that not only do I have a teenager, but a pretty amazing teenager.

This all hit me this weekend doing something mundane. Something I do every day. Something I could almost do with my eyes closed. Something that is more of a chore than a task. Something that…Ok, you get the point.

We’d finished lunch and I’d left the room for a moment. Came back in, and my daughter was finishing her dinner. As I began cleaning up the table, we fell into a conversation about one one of her anime shows. She finished eating and then fell into step with me cleaning up the table. You read that right. She started helping cleaning up the table with me.

Later yesterday, I was working in the yard and needed help. I asked her to come out to the yard to help. She, without complaint, jumped in and did what I asked. She made it fun by being a little silly with what we were doing.

She has not only grown to a teenager, but into a teenager that is willing to help out. Don’t get me wrong, I get plenty of eye rolls and heavy sighs. But not typically when I ask her to help me. I’ve raised a daughter I love spending time with. I have a teenager who is caring, compassionate, and willing to help out. She is a good person. A genuine good person.

Are you a parent of a teen? Have you had one of those moments where you suddenly realized your kid is grown up? More importantly, grown up into a good person? I’d love to hear your stories! Brag a bit on your kid below.

Snow Day, Time with the Kids

Today it snowed. It snowed a lot. Its not uncommon. I mean, after all, its winter in the midwest. The roads this morning were a mess. Well at least that’s what I was told. I had taken the day off to go to an appointment and run some errands. But, the kids had a snow day. School was cancelled.

One rumor floating around was that snow days were going to be a thing of the past. Covid last spring and this fall forced many kids to learn virtually from home. This taught the teachers, kids, and parents that we can do this. So, when the snow comes, schools can move online. And they did. Well, luckily not my school. But many schools opted to move classes virtually and cancel snow days.

This is horrible. I hate it. And here’s why.

Quite simply. They are kids, not adults. Soon enough, they will be grown-up working jobs which will more than likely, not give snow days. They will spend the 1/3 of their adult lives working. These same adults, will look back at their childhood and remember the snow day. The joy of a little extra sleep and a day hanging out at home. A doing whatever they wanted. But most importantly, they will remember getting that little, unexpected break.

Our snow day today, including time playing. The kids got some non-structured time. Time where they could decide what they wanted to do. They spent time on electronics and chatting with friends. Then, the three of us played a board game and laughed so much today. It was so very nice. I even took a few minutes to sort through a box of stuff that needed put away. And, I made rice crispy treats. I didn’t get my errands ran, but I got so much more from today.

Taking the snow day away, is forcing the kids into the adult mold, the adult world. Its taking away the magic of snow. The wishful thinking every time it snows that something magical is going to happen. Kids need this sense of magic. They need an expected break. And, most importantly, they are not little adults. We need to start recognizing and accepting that the kids, everyone really, needs an occasional break from reality.

Let our kids be kids. Let them have an unexpected break. Give them the snow day. Its important. Don’t take it away.

Dear New House

Dear New House,

We’re very excited to have you join our family. We are, really. Even though we’ve only met you twice and the first time was just two weeks ago. We are anxious to make our relationship with you official. I hope this isn’t too fast for you.

It’s a bit fast for us. We had just started looking for you. My daughter is having some difficulty adjusting. You see, she loves the old house. Its all she’s known. She has so many memories with our old house. I know she’ll grow to love you too. I know the old house will soon become a memory. She is passionate and (sometimes) a bit stubborn. But until then, be patient with her. Be kind with her. And know. she will come around.

My son, he’s excited. I think you’ll find him a bit more rambunctious and easy going. He’s loved our old house too. Its also been the only house he’s known. But, he’s a bit more accepting to change. He will be teary, I’m certain with saying good-bye to the old house. And he’ll have days when he wants to go back. But I’m confident, he’ll be filling you with laughter and curiosity.

I and my husband are nervous. Anytime there’s such a large investment. We are get nervous because we too love this old house. We wonder, will the new be good for us? Will it be what our family needs? Will the neighbors accept us? Most importantly, will our children adjust?

So you see, we are very excited and a bit nervous to add you to our family. Thankfully we have a very short 1.5 months to adjust to the idea and say our tearful good-byes. We will be preparing and are looking forward to officially meeting you very soon.

Yours Truly,

A very excited (and nervous) future family

Everything to Everyone: the Curse

Hi. My name is Ruthie and I’m an exhausted mom trying my best to be everything to everyone. I am the mommie to two wonderful little ones who are active in sports and dance. I am the homework boss, snack regulator, grocery shopper, and home referee. I am classroom volunteer, fieldtrip driver, school board member, and cheerleader. I am the housekeeper and home chef. I could go on, but I’m sure you get it. I’m certain you feel my pain. You are in similar shoes.

We are moms. We are wives. We are employees. We wear many hats. And do many thankless jobs. We are the ones who everyone goes to to get things done.

So, what happens when we need a break?

This is exactly where I was last weekend. I needed a break. From Friday until Sunday, I had 2 dance practices, 2 soccer games, 1 dance picture session, and 1 school auction. Plus, I needed to move into my new office space. I felt pressured to attend all of these functions. with a smile on my face. You see, all of these activities needed me or at the bare minimum wanted me. But I felt EXHAUSTED thinking about the weekend. I needed a break. After working 40+ hours a week, I still had a crazy busy weekend to get through.

I silently rejoiced when it was too cold and snowy for soccer. It was one thing off my list. I opted out of attending the school auction. And you know, it was OK. The world didn’t end. Yes, some may have been disappointed. My kids for the cancelled soccer game and probably some people from the school since I typically attend the auction. And you know I and my kids had one of the best weekends we’ve had in a long time. We hung out and watched TV. The kids helped me move into my office without me feeling impatient and rushed. The kids played video games.

I gave myself a pass. You can too. You can take a deep breath and opt out of things. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You can pick and choose what you want to volunteer for. And, quite frankly what events you want to attend. ITS OK. Give yourself permission. Because, when you slow down you win. Your kids win. Your family wins. And, that’s more important than anything else in this world.

Trying to be everything to everyone is a curse. Its not realistic. It won’t make you happy. Volunteer and do things you want but also give yourself a break. Accept being able to take a break and just enjoy life with your family. Sleep in. Break that curse.

(This post was shared HERE where you can find blog posts from other encouraging posts.)

Little Impressions

You ever have one of those moments when your kid says something that just hits home with you? I had that moment this weekend. We were in the car going from one activity to the next when the conversation started. I love talking with my kids in the car. None of us are going anywhere. We’re all stuck in a small space which encourages all sorts of conversations. I’ve seriously had some of the BEST conversations with my kids in the car.

But back to the specific conversation this weekend.

Darling Daughter: I’m so glad you and Daddy are friends and like each other.

Me: Of we course we’re friends!

Darling Daughter: Yeah. I’m also glad you’re friends with Little Ducky’s mommie and daddy. (Little duckie is a baby who goes to our church. She was dressed as a duck last Halloween and hence forth is called Little Duckie by my kids).

I’m so glad you and Daddy are friends and like each other.

Wow. That hit home. My little 8 year-old notices a lot. I’ve always known without a doubt she and her brother know they are loved by their parents and each other. I’d always said kids pick-up on things even when parents are trying to hide it. I’d say that, because I’d learned that in school. I’d say that because I knew kids often, without thinking, share how their parents fight or when money is tight. But for some reason when it came out of her mouth, it really hit home.

I’m so glad you and Daddy are friends and like each other.

Such simple words made a huge impact on me. Yes, my husband and I love each other. Our marriage isn’t perfect. He annoys me sometimes, I annoy him sometimes. I can HONESTLY say we don’t really fight. We bicker every once in a while. But that’s not common at all. We have this MUTUAL respect for each other. We try very hard to talk things out before they become a BIG issue. I pray everyday that we can continue to do this. That we can WORK together to continue to build a wonderful marriage.

We’re not PERFECT. At all. But we sure do work hard at this thing called marriage. We don’t put on a face for the kids. We are real. We work hard to do family things together. My husband and I laugh together, tease each other, and work through things. All in front of our kids. They see us having a good time and problem solving together.

I never realized those little things, impressed on her. But she noticed.

Mommie and Daddy are friends. They like each other. 

What are your kids noticing from you? What do they think of your relationship with your spouse?

When the words hurt

Last night our school had a fundraiser at a local restaurant. I took my daughter and we met one of her friends and her mom. The place was busy and noisy. The girls were giggly, loud, and squirmy. The service was slow as expected due to a great turn out for the fundraiser. Despite having to reel the girls in a few times, we all had a good time. Then it came time to leave. My daughter knows we don’t go running out of a store and towards the parking lot. I’ve reinforced her the need to stay close to me. However, last night all the excitement had gotten to her and I was a little worn out and tired from the day. She and her friend took off running out of the door and toward the parking lot. I yelled gently at my daughter and she kept running. So, I yelled firmly using her whole name. I rushed to her because she was running to far for my comfort zone. I immediately scolded her for her behavior.

Her punishment was to get into the car while I and her friend’s mom finished our conversation. We were trying to plan a time that we could get together next with the girls. After I finished the conversation and helped my daughter find her missing doll, I reconfirmed to her that I loved her very much but her behavior was inappropriate. I told her that her actions were not safe and even if we were having fun we had to be safe and listen.

And then the tears came. Huge crocodile tears were pouring down her cheeks. She was upset and sad that she’d disappointed me. She was embarrassed she’d gotten in trouble in front of her friend. She felt very, very bad for be disobedient (her words). And then my heart broke. Even this morning she said to me she was so sorry for last night.I reassured her we all make mistakes and that I loved her so much.

She is my sensitive one. She is the one who likes to push the limits a bit. I knew she was sensitive but I still scolded her harshly. I felt horrible. I wanted the lesson to be taught, but was I too hard? Had I let the situation with her behavior go to far all night that I was at my frustration point? How can I keep that from happening again. I felt like the worst mom ever.

I’m certain I’m not the only one that’s been there. Said something to their child either a little to harsh, handled things poorly or reacted without thinking. We all make mistakes. Despite wanting to tear myself up over this, I will not. I will take it as a learning lesson. I will have a better in plan in place before we do our next friend’s outing.

In fact, I already know what I will do before next time. 1) I will tell her ahead of time of the expected behavior 2) I will tell her she will hold my hand when leaving the store/restaurant/etc as we normally do.

I know I’ll stumble as I continue down this parenting path. New things and situations will come up. I will make more mistakes but I will learn from them. I find ways to move forward and to do things better the next time.

How have handled a parenting mistake or when you’ve over reacted? I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

Proverbs 9:9 Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning. 

 

Family Chores

This year, we’ve been introducing some chores into my children’s lives. My oldest just started 1st grade and last year was her first year of some responsibility before school. My son just started pre-school and he too has some things he’s responsible for before school.

Our implementation of chores has been a slow process. My kids have always loved helping me with household duties such as cooking and setting the table. I used their natural desire to help to direct them to appropriate duties. So, I guess one could say, they’ve been informally doing chores for a long time now.

My 1st grader’s before school routine- what she’s responsible for:

1) Getting dressed

2) Brushing her teeth

3) Making her bed and putting her pajama’s on her bed

 

My Preschooler’s before school routine- What he’s responsible

1) Dressing himself with supervision

2) Brushing his teeth

 

Saturday morning chores for both children- my preschooler with more supervision

1) Put away all folded clothes

2) Pick-up their room

Our chores are simple. None of them too difficult and some may say too simple. However, implementing chores at this age to me is more about teaching the children to be part of the family and to assist the family. I don’t want chores to have a negative connotation. I want them to think that chores are no big deal, it’s just what we do. Because, really, they will have chores to do all of their lives. No reason to make it a negative experience at such a young age!

Do your children do chores? What age did you start? What was your approach? Was it successful? Leave a comment, let’s talk chores!